Mensis Horribilis...

Except for a few brief years as a small child, I started playing hockey at age 50.  As I sit here typing, I am 54 years and 44 days old.  If you believe human life begins at conception, add 9 months to that.

You know my feelings about that, too- if life begins at conception, the local grocery store has a sale to "Buy a dozen chickens, and get a dozen chickens free!" right now.

Anyway, hockey is life itself, and should be more popular wordwide.  After all, it is, in many ways, just soccer on ice- speed, positioning, pinpoint passing, staying onsides, and timing.

Back to me.  The name on my jersies?  El Diablo.  My number?  I wanted 666, but that's too many numerals.  The solution?  6 cubed.  6 x 6 x 6.

My position?  Duh.  Left Wing- and not as a stunt.  I am one of those very rare right-handers who bats right, writes right, eats right- but shoots left.  I have been sidelined for a while with a bum vertebrae, but am now all healed up.

Our team name:  The Inferno

As a lifelong (mine) hockey fan, and a lifetime (theirs) San Jose Sharks fan- this has been Mensis Horribilis.

On April 27th, the greatest hockey season in NHL history went down in flames in the first round of the playoffs at the hands of a group of former Disney employees.  

Brutal.  Grim.  

Fast forward.  In the early morning of May 23rd, somebody stole my beautiful 2008 Ford 1-ton van from in front of my house, drove it a couple miles away, to near the banks of Credence Clearwater's Green River- and burned it to the ground.  

I just bought it in January.  The best vehicle I have ever owned, and the quickly-adopted chariot of four of the finest dogs a man could ask for.

Down in flames- but not in Calgary.  For the second time in a month.

I immediately wondered where the Minnesota Wild's Brent Burns had been at 0130 that morning.  Maybe his name is a verb...

Brutal.  Grim.  Heartbreak.  

Or is it?  As I have done at hundreds of suspicious/arson fires in my career, I went out to the scene of the crime and "walked the grid".

I found a small water bottle that had gone unoticed, and recovered it for fingerprinting.  

I continued on my walk- and quickly came to a dead stop. There, lying in the ashes, rising like a Phoenix, but not a Phoenix Coyote, battered but not beaten, was the only survivor of the fire- my San Jose Sharks license plate.

You know the kind I mean?  One of those silver, license plate-sized, embossed logos of my beloved Los Tiburones.

I picked it up, took a picture of it, which I uploaded to Facebook, and tossed it into the car.

When I got home, and looked at the Facebook picture- my jaw hit the floor.

There, just to the right of the embossed Shark was Jesus.  The real Jesus- not the gardener or the local guy who makes the great tamales.

Kneeling. Red robes, beard, crown, halo, face, right arm raised and pointing to the viewer's left- but maybe both clenched together, and outstretched in prayer.

What could it mean?  Well, here's what I HOPE it means:

Jesus has been a closeted hockey fan, and he, too, was devastated by the Sharks' demise this year.  Now, he was using me to send a message to the legions, to the masses, of San Jose Sharks fans about next year.  

I know the thought of Jesus coming out of the closet will be unsettling for some, but get over it.  Look, I did not fabricate any of this, I am just trying to figure it out.

Remember, this is the guy who fed hundreds of wedding guests with a few small fishes and 7 bottles of wine.  He certainly can use 25 Sharks to feed roast Duck to the entire Bay Area and give even the most casual Sharks fan a chance to sip Sharkaritas from Lord Stanley's Cup.

If I am right, I will have gladly sacrificed the best vehicle I have ever owned for the redemption next year of the meltdown that took place at the beginning of Mensis Horribilis.

The van, which, with its pro-gay license plates, was lovingly named "GayVan Newsom", is survived by his owner, and also by Mrs. Truth;  by his 1996 Ford Ranger brother;  by his 2004 Toyota Prius sister; and the 4 greatest dogs in the world who had adopted him as their home-away-from-home: Bandit, Spenser, Belle, and Abbey.

A new van will rise from anonymity very soon- another silver version, or perhaps a white one.  I am once again pondering license plates.

RezWreck.  Rzrektd.  +Sharks.  Rzrek+d.  NoFenix.  S+anley.  HayZeus.

Any other suggestions?  Remember, 7 characters max, plus a 1/2 space, and don't forget the special characters- a hand, a heart, a plus sign/cross, or a star.    

SRT