Department of Defense announces "Don't Wank, Don't Diddle" policy.

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With the quick stroke of his pen, the Secretary of Defense today took that very same right away from all military personnel, implementing immediately a worldwide "Don't Wank, Don't Diddle" policy covering both genders.

Citing an overall "loss of team" focus in all branches of service, and far too much "attention to self", the Secretary stated that he felt this action was vital to the well-being of the nation's Armed Forces and to the very security of the United States of America.

"Over the last few years, military personnel have increasingly and mistakenly been focused on their own missles and IEDs (Improvised Exploratory Devices), and not on those threats the enemey possesses," the Secretary explained.

Joining him at the press conference were representatives of the four main service branches.

From the Air Force, Sergeant Major Dewey C. Howe was there, and from from the Army, Chief Mastur Sergeant Peter Baytor was the man on the (wet) spot.

From the Navy, Rear Admiral John "Jack" Offenmore was the overall senior officer present- and also, of course, transported, as the Navy always does, the Marine representative, Gunnery Sergeant Rusty Pipe, to the event.

Gunny Rusty Pipe insisted that the Marine Corps. was not experiencing the same problem the other services were, but that he hoped they would soon get to the root of their problems.

Additionally present, and representing women from all branches, was Coast Guard Ensign Hillary S. Wank, often confused with the actress.

When asked how the military would judge the effectiveness of "Don't Wank, Don't Diddle", the Secretary stated that they would monitor military personnel utilizing the "Usual Suspects" approach: unusual lack of stress, hair growth on the palms of the hands and fingertips, sudden and unexplained occurrences of poor vision, above-average purchases of melons and zucchini, blisters and calluses in unusual places, et cetera.

Reaction from the show business world was immediate. Paul Reubens, also known as Pee Wee Herman, was having lunch with Bart Simpson when he heard the news. Both celebrities were outraged, and immediately announced plans to lobby for new legislation: the Defense of Masturbation Act, also known as DOMA II!

Calls placed to various Catholic military chaplains were not returned.

SRT